'darkmoon'

the net is a big bad world. those from the dark side can crack into your mail account, send solicitations for penis enlargements or dark-latina porn videos, or worse, send viruses to treasured friends, and sully your credibility forever and more. In face of these dire possibilities, the password, though just a few letters and/or numbers strung together, is a powerful talisman.

the first password i ever made up was 'darkmoon'.

'darkmoon' was an inevitable outcome of my reason for plunging into the cyberia. i had just started dating my the-then boyfriend, who happened to be from very far-far-away. the summer vacation was upon us even before we had finished confessing our true love for each other. i was unsure how my parents would take to frequent phonecalls from a guy who spoke an English that held the alien smell of southern seas and fish curries. so, my lover, more techno-savvy than i was, suggested the yahoo messenger. and for love, i made my late entry into the 2nd world.

through that summer, the 2pm online dates were the highlights of my day. i would wait anxiously and uneasily for that hour, hoping that he had not been caught up for lunch or tea with one of his many relatives. and when i'd log on and if he was late by even a few minutes, i would start imagining worst-case scenarios, that would get more gruesome by the minute. i learnt slowly that my guy had been born without a gene and this had disabled his inner chronometer. so there were numerous times i spent grieving over my own grief, in front of my mind's eyes, his body lying crushed under an imaginary truck carrying coconuts. i also started getting insanely jealous of old english teachers and aunties with warts and ex-schoolmates who kept him away from our rendezvous. but the moment the smiley next to his name would light up, my heart would leap into my mouth. and with a few customary verbal slaps for his tardiness, i'd happily sit back and soak in the words of love beamed through that bright screen.

and, the emoticons, those sunny little circles that grin, cry, pout, wonder, tease and blow kisses... they became the conduits of lavish sentiments that led me to believe that my inexpressive lover was actually a light-hearted flirt who could make funny faces and wink at me. after the summer, it took me a while to realize that he did not know how to wink actually. i spent two more summers trying to teach him to wink, and another two summers to teach myself that i had to live with a non-winking boyfriend. and another two summers to realize that what i really wanted was the winking-kind, so i must let him go. hmm... yeah, it was the fault of those smileys.

oh yes, the passwords - 'darkmoon' was my saccharine-soaked 'poetic' take on his name. (some years later, i came across a poem by a friend of mine where 'darkmoon' appeared again. obviously, my 'literariness' had not been very unique. but my stupid taste in men had been substantiated.)

since then, i have moved onto 'happyday' and 'rhapsodies' and beyond. these have absolutely no references to any man or boy whatsoever. they are just words that are long enough so that no one can crack them, but also simple enough for instant recall. besides, they are words that refer to a state of mind that one may aspire to. everyday, when i log on to find out what my friends have to share with me, as i tap in my password, i hope that the magic of the word may make its way through the keypad, through my fingertips and upto my reluctant brain.

in another world, passwords can actually take you to a happy place. the next one should be 'opensesame', don't you think?