the trip

on the 2nd evening, i was on my way back home from Guwahati. i had missed my scheduled bus because i had misread the departure time, and i deservedly had to make do with a seat no. 25, instead of no. 1 (will qualify that with another post, although anyone who has travelled in the northeast would understand, just a few facts - night-supers, as these buses that ply between Guwahati and all major northeastern towns are called, are a popular mode of transport. and as in the name, they ply only at... you guessed it).

some time late in the night, i was woken up out of my unrestful doze with this feeling that i had been groped. unsure, i perfunctorily touched myself to check if i had been subconsciously doing it (considering my extended period of celibacy, it seemed not unlikely). undecided, i had nodded off, but i was up soon enough and this time, there was a culprit hand on my groin and it was not mine. I grabbed it and traced it to its owner and smashed a fist into the darkness where his head was supposed to be and then, demanded an explanation. this person turned out to be a lad of maybe 14-15, and he betrayed neither innocence nor any remorse.

i don't know what i had expected him to do - maybe say that he was sorry with even a semblance of honesty and my outraged modesty would have been partly emolliated. but in face of his cocky nonchalance, i couldn't just sink back into my smelly seat like nothing happened. a line had been crossed and the situation deserved more, i deserved more. and i am full of bluster.

i decided to get his name from the passengers' list that the conductor had with him, so that i could report it to the police the next morning. there was no one listed on seat no. 26 where this criminal was. no, i had not been molested by a kinky ghost. he turned out to be one of those 'boys' employed on these buses to do miscelleneous chores, but the conductor swore that he was not a regular on this bus. in a move that really took me by surprise, the driver and the conductor made this guy get off in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. i had not expected more than some strong words and cuffings for this son-of-a-dog. and they apologized to me on his behalf.

but what surprised me most was my own guilt that kept me awake after i returned to my 'rocking' seat. maybe the guy did it, maybe not. what if, as he had claimed in front of the driver, he had actually flung his hand across in his sleep and it accidentally fell into my lap. the evidence was circumstantial and not a definite proof of intent. what if it was a misundertanding? however it is my body. if i felt i was violated, i was. but what if i had simply regurgitated my years-old bile of pent-up humiliating helplessness on this kid. was the punishment proportionate to the crime? what if he had been innocent but this undeserved accusation did turn him into a misogynist-molestor? what if i had just become the cause of the ruination of a poor family which had pinned all its hope on this young misguided youth to grow up to be a bus-driver and to show them a better life... i may be getting carried away here... but still... what if what if what if....